I am feeling about 87% better than I did last Sunday. Don't ask me how I came up with 87%, just suffice it to say that I'm not 100% but a whole lot better than I was. Now, for some reason, I can't sleep. This seldom happens to me. Well, it did once when I had a virus of some kind, so I am thinking my sleeplessness is related to what I had. This should be fun tonight since I have a 7 am radio interview tomorrow that requires I wake up about the time I've fallen asleep the last two nights.
While I couldn't sleep last night, I watched more English soccer. This match was so bad that the halftime commentators urged both coaches to put everyone in who wasn't already playing. They said it couldn't get any worse. I didn't watch the second half. I figured if I didn't fall asleep in the first half, my sleeplessness was hopeless. I know most of my American readers don't watch or like soccer, but the other readers who do, here are some observations of how English soccer could be improved.
1. Since the British live so close to Paris, they need to import a fashion designer or two to rework the uniforms. Some of the color combinations are downright nasty! My vote for all time worst is the baby blue and maroon (with white shorts) of the West Ham team. Ugh! Bring back black and white tv.
2. Every player should be required to shave the day of the game. I don't want them to shave their beards, just the four-day growth that makes them look like potential child kidnappers. I always expect some of those guys to score a goal and, while everyone is celebrating, run into the stands to take hostages.
3. The goalie uniforms are cool. Tops and shorts are usually coordinated . Their stuff sits on them with a nice loose fit, to cover some of their padding, I'm sure. But can someone tell me why the goalie can wear any color he wants, and why that color is not required to blend in with his team's official colors? I'm sorry, chartreuse does not go with the black tops and powder blue shorts worn by the rest of the team.
4. A soccer field is bigger than a football field and the fans are always shouting and singing, usually bombed out of their minds with drink. So why do all the coaches run out to the field border, waving their hands and shouting instructions when no one can or cares to hear them? The person standing next to them isn't even able to understand what they are saying. Plus most of the players are not from England any more, so they can't even understand what the poor man is trying to say! And if the coach is from Scotland, then I wouldn't even be able to understand what he is saying!
5. Speaking of the fans, many of them sing during the entire match. What's more, unless I'm mistaken, they sing what sounds like the same song. I have been watching soccer for 15 years and I have yet to understand what any crowd is singing! Can they, like, put the words on the screen or something? And how about we work with each stadium to come up with a variety of songs? We can then appoint a song leader and the number of the song to be sung can be posted on the scoreboard, just like in church, where many of those singers haven't been in years.
6. English soccer managers must have found a sale on polyester suits, because they all wear them. These guys are making a fortune and should dress better. I suggest someone from the National Basketball Association come over and hold a seminar on the basics--how to tie a tie, how to pick a shirt that matches the tie and suit, and how to use an iron.
7. While we are sending a clothing consultant to redesign the wardrobe for both players and management, we should also send over a hair stylist. This person will help the managers focus on what to do with straight hair--"Here, hold the can about 8 inches from your hair, use the brush to hold the hair in place and spray. Nothing to it!" This will keep you from moving your hair out of your eyes 1,000 times every game, Sir Alex.
Now don't get me wrong. I enjoy English soccer; I just want to dress the game up a bit. And when we've taken care of those basics, we'll send over one of our tattoo specialists from the NBA and English soccer will never, ever be the same. Pray I'm able to sleep tonight!
Technorati Tags: English soccer, soccer humor