John Stanko

The events following my mother's burial ended yesterday and today is the first day of my life where my mother wasn't part of my day.  The last four days were filled with preparations, so it still felt like she was around. Now there is a life adjustment that will need to take place -- I have thought numerous times, "Hey, I didn't call Mom today.  I need to do that."  My sister called her twice a day and said that she almost called Mother to tell her that she died!  My sister would call to tell mother little things to keep her informed and that habit will be hard to break.  I know the feeling.

It actually snowed on Wednesday when we were at the funeral home but the day of her burial was cold but nice.  It was great seeing so many family and friends, just unfortunate that it takes an event like a death to bring families together.  The church service at St. John the Baptist Ukrainian Catholic Church was the best such service I had ever attended. The priest did a great job of explaining the rituals and the service was filled with Scripture readings.  I delivered my eulogy in about five minutes, because my mother often said, "If you can't say what you have to say in five minutes, then don't say it."  She didn't like long speeches or talks.

I now have to play catchup with some schoolwork and other projects that got put off when I had to spend so much time at my mother's side. I think it's all doable, however, so I am going to spend the weekend catching up and relaxing before the big event next Tuesday, the U.S. elections. I am ready to vote today but have to wait until November 4.  It should be interesting and I am prepared for whatever happens on Tuesday, I think.

So have a good weekend and thank you for the outpouring of prayer and wishes of sympathy that were passed our way this week.  It was all greatly appreciated.

I am sitting at my desk doing some work so I will be free during the latter part of this week for my mother's funeral-related events.  I was listening to some music and heard a song and thought I would share the lyrics with you.  If you want to see the song performed, you can go to this link.

I know, I may be a bit melancholy this week, so if I am, just ignore this and trust that I will be back to normal next week (or maybe later).  Yet there may just be a lesson of life in this song for each of us.  I'll let you decide.

The Living Years by Mike and the Mechanics

Every generation
Blames the one before
And all of their frustrations
Come beating on your door

I know that I'm a prisoner
To all my father held so dear
I know that I'm a hostage
To all his hopes and fears
I just wish I could have told him in the living years

Crumpled bits of paper
Filled with imperfect thought
Stilted conversations
I'm afraid that's all we've got

You say you just don't see it
He says it's perfect sense
You just can't get agreement
In this present tense
We all talk a different language
Talking in defense

Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
It's too late when we die
To admit we don't see eye to eye

So we open up a quarrel
Between the present and the past
We only sacrifice the future
It's the bitterness that lasts

So don't yield to the fortunes
You sometimes see as fate
It may have a new perspective
On a different day
And if you don't give up, and don't give in
You may just be o.k.

Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
It's too late when we die
To admit we don't see eye to eye

I wasn't there that morning
When my father passed away
I didn't get to tell him
All the things I had to say

I think I caught his spirit
Later that same year
I'm sure I heard his echo
In my baby's new born tears
I just wish I could have told him in the living years

It's been a few weeks since I have written.  When I am at my mother's, there is no wireless signal in the building so I have not been online much.  Yesterday I had a chance to buy a laptop adapter so I can get my own signal while I am here.  I am spending eight plus hours a day in her apartment, so it was a good investment.

My mother is failing rapidly, with very little energy left to do much of anything.  We are scrambling for caregivers since she doesn't want a lot of strangers around, which I can understand. It just makes it a bit more difficult for my sister and me.  I am not complaining.

I keep thinking about when I was in Zimbabwe a few years ago.  I was facing a full week of training and had a lot of things to do in preparation. The Sunday night before it all began, I was uptight.  I had new powerpoint slides to design, outlines to finalize and a host of other things in the midst of power outages and other challenges.  At some point in the evening, the Lord spoke to me and asked me a question, "I thought this was what you wanted to do?" 

I immediately broke out laughing.  Why?

I laughed because it was what I wanted to do and there I was complaining and stressing out over a situation that I had created.  I wasn't enjoying it because I was allowing the details to affect my judgment.  I said to myself, "You are right.  This is what I wanted and I intend to enjoy every minute of it."  That was seven years ago and I have been true to my word ever since.

I wanted to be with my mother in her last hours so, while I am not relishing every minute that includes her suffering, I am thanking God for the chance to be here.  This only happens once in a lifetime, so I am not griping.  I suppose this is how families had to function before old age homes were around.  I think I will go back and see if she is able to get out of bed so I can bring her out for what could be her last time in her favorite chair.  Stay tuned.  I will keep you posted on how it goes.

For they shall not be broken or at least not bent out of shape.  That is a little-known missing Beatitude that Jesus spoke.  Of course, I jest but that fun phrase does contain a nugget of truth that we all must keep in mind from time to time. Why am I writing about this?  Because I began Hebrew classes a few weeks ago, but now with my mother’s illness, I don’t have time to go to class.

Someone wrote and asked me today if I was stressed over my mother’s cancer and need for care.  I responded, “Not at all.”  I am controlling my self-talk and how I think (or the Lord is helping me do so) and that has kept me calm and focused.  My father died 12 years ago in my arms on his deathbed and I always hoped I would have a chance to do the same for my mother.  So how can I be stressed out? I don’t have to help care for my mother; I get to care for my mother.  And besides, my sister is the one who always carries a bigger load than I do and for that I am grateful. 

I am off to Dallas next week to conduct a Pacific Institute seminar and just finished a seminar in West Palm Beach.  We “had” to meet at someone’s home in West Palm and I was not looking forward to it, until I arrived and found it to be a $4 million estate!  What a fantastic surrounding in which to learn.  Next week I will be at a nice hotel in Dallas.

That makes me think of a retreat I was on in 1988 in Florida.  It was a beautiful compound and I was there as a participant and stayed up late one night to enjoy the surroundings.  That night the Lord “spoke” to me and said, “I will take you to many nice places where you will teach and train.”  It was so clear but at the time, I was going nowhere and doing very little training or speaking for that matter.  Today, I can say that the promise God made to me that night has come true.  I have been in some fabulous places, eaten some great food and met some wonderful people.  I have no complaints. 

This year has been such a different year, with less travel, school, tight finances and a lot of time to think, read and reflect.  What kind of year has it been for you?  What season are you in right now?  What lessons have you learned?  What else would you like to accomplish this year?  It’s not too late to end the year in a strong fashion and I hope you will learn and grow as you reflect on 2008 and look forward to 2009.

Yesterday was Mother Stanko's 92nd birthday.  It was not a festive occasion, however, for my mother was diagnosed with colon cancer last Friday. She has been sick for about six months and the doctors guessed it was this and that.  Now we know, however, and we are preparing for the end, which could come in six months or less.

This is how my father died 12 years ago as well, but he had pancreatic cancer and lived six months to the day from when he was told.  Those six months were a good time as we made our transitions and said our goodbyes.  I am grateful that God has given us the same chance with my mother.

My mother was asleep in her chair on Sunday when she raised her head and said, "Will you do the eulogy?"  It is something I had always wanted to do, but in my mother's church they usually don't make time for one.  I said I would be honored and then she said, "I will request it" and went back to sleep.

That is so indicative of my mother -- organized, thinking ahead, covering details and planning.  There is no question that I inherited all those traits from her, that in fact I am Sophia's boy.  At some point I will have a chance to share that truth with those closest to us.

My mother is home and my sister is scrambling to cover her care while I am in Florida on business.  My mother needs around-the-clock care and we are investigating the options and cost for such care.  My sister has taken good care of my mother since she (my sister) retired a few years ago.  I know I have been less helpful due to my travel schedule but I hope to be around more in the next six months to do what I can.

I am not devastated by this news, for often when I would leave on an extended trip, I would talk to my mother and we agreed that there were no regrets.  I visited her every Sunday while I was home and called almost every day.  I tried to support her as I was the man in her life after my father's death 12 years ago.  She has lived on her own and cared for herself with my sister's assistance and will do so almost to the end, and we want to honor her wish that she die at home. You can view a picture of my mother at her 90th birthday celebration here. People usually say I look like her.

I will keep you posted on her condition, but in the meantime, life goes on.  I urge you to make the most of every day that you have, for we just don't know how many more we have.

I had the chance last week to go to New York with a friend to visit Yankee Stadium one more time before they close it down and open the new one across the street.  My friend, Bruce, and I got tickets but we didn't know they were in the next to the last row behind home plate.  I am including a picture for you to see how high up we were (click on it to get a bigger view). Yet is was a special night, even though the Yankees lost to the White Sox.  Last Sunday, the Yankees played the last game there after 85 years of special moments. 

While Bruce and I were in New York, we took the double-decker bus rides to both uptown and downtown and, even though I've been to New York many times over the years, I learned a lot more about the city.  We ate in Little Italy, where the festival of San Gennaro, the patron saint of Naples, was taking place.  I got to see my two children (they came to Paesano's in Little Italy) and John III joined us for lunch the next day at the Carnegie Deli on 7th Avenue.  We took the 4 Subway to and from the stadium and parked in the theater district both days, which made it easy to get in and out of the city (we stayed in New Jersey because the city hotels were all so expensive).  All in all, we had a grand time.

Since I've been home, I have been busy with various projects and school.  I am on the board of directors for two new ministries that I have come to know over the last few months and I have initial meetings with those organizations this week.  I am spending a lot of time at the Center for Urban Biblical Ministry, where I enjoy working with the adult students and Karla Byrd, the director (Karla is the woman on the home page of my new website with whom I am sitting on the bench). 

I just finished helping one person publish her book and now I am working to help three others write theirs.  This means I am involved doing some ghost writing, consulting and editing work for those three.  This is something I believe I am supposed to do on a regular basis as I come alongside others to help make their work a reality

Not much else new to report.  I have some blog entry ideas that I hope to get to over the next day or two.  Stay tuned. 

I am enjoying this down time I have and am trying to make the most of it.  I enrolled in a Quickbooks class for the next two Saturdays so I can learn how to use this software in my own companies and in the work I do for others.  This class is offered through the Center for Urban Biblical Ministry here in Pittsburgh, where I am a board member, treasurer, consultant, sometime instructor and missions advisor.  It is enjoyable work as I assist students who are returning to school to earn their college degrees through Geneva College.  This year we had one student enroll who is 65 years of age and another who is 69!  They are doing well in their classes, and I just met with them to go over their DISC profile results and do an overview of their ministry goals.

I suppose that I enjoyed working with them so much that they influenced me to go back to school for my Doctor of Ministry degree.  Speaking of that, I am really into the research portion of my last two classes and it is both enjoyable and time-consuming.  I didn't see this coming, but I am on a study sabbatical of sorts, and I am sitting here typing this with about 25 books on my desk that I am currently reading and using in my research.  When I began the program, I thought school was going to be just another activity on my to-do list.  Instead it has become almost my entire to-do list!

I was working on my Bible studies I send out every week this morning and I came to the parable of the wise and foolish virgins in Matthew 24.  The main lesson in that story is that God expects preparedness and there is no way to cram or delay your way into spiritual or life success.  There is only one way to earn my degree or write my books, and that is one page at a time, one day at a time.  There are no shortcuts to spiritual maturity or preparation, and we don't know how much time we have before we meet Him or He returns to us.  That means we must work with urgency. 

This new season has made finances a bit tight, but I am working hard not to fret and to focus on the work at hand that the Lord has assigned for me to do. We just got an unexpected tax bill but I know God can take care of it according to His perfect plan.  I do get to write a lot now, which I love, and I am working on my next book while consulting with two others to help them write their books.  I would love to do more consulting and even ghost writing for other authors who need help publishing.

So that's how I am spending my days.  I am off to New York City for a few days with a friend and will have dinner with my two adult chlldren tomorrow night.  Then it's one more visit to Yankee Stadium before it closes, and I return home for some meetings and coaching sessions later in the week -- and one more Quickbooks class next Saturday.

For many years I have talked about learning Hebrew to help in my Bible studies.  My Greek is decent but my Hebrew is nonexistent.  Last night I enrolled in Classical Hebrew at Reformed Presbyterian Seminary and will audit the course, hopefully through the end of the school term in May.  I will have to miss some classes, but since I am auditing, I don't have to take the tests or quizzes.  I am serious about learning the basics, however, so I am going to keep up with the course work as best I can. 

Last night we learned the alphabet and a song to go with it to help us memorize the names of the letters.  Next week we learn the vowels and each week we will cover one chapter in our textbook.  It should be fun and interesting.  I've had this goal for many years, so it's good to finally do something about it.

Meanwhile my other coursework is going well.  I have one annotated bibliography due September 30 for a paper due January 31 and a 35-page paper discussing the types in 1 Corinthians 10:1-6 due by mid-November. Then we have received our syllabus for the next class in February, which will be on biblical counseling.  I have a ton of reading to do and research to perform, but it's all good and worthwhile and I have no regrets about enrolling in the program.  Now that I have written this, I can go recite and practice writing my Hebrew alphabet.  Aleph, bet, vet, . . .

I am back in class this week for my Old Testament in the New class, but I am still reflecting on what I learned in my Leadership Communication class last week.  While there were many communication lessons I am still processing, there were two general principles that really stood out to me.

1.  I cannot learn from someone I am judging.  We read some books with which we all "disagreed."  When we disagreed, we began looking for fault in or limitations to what the author had written.  We therefore could not learn from the author because we had judged him, building a blind spot to anything meaningful that he had written. I saw that this was just what the Pharisees had done to Jesus.  As soon as they judged Him, they found fault with everything He said. 

2.  I must suspend what I know when I am learning.  When I think I know something, it may hinder me from learning anything new.  I  can assume I already know what there is to know about that item -- whether a concept, Bible verse, or theory.  I need to even apply this to people, for I can "write off" people because I think I "know" who they are and what they can do.

I am so delighted that God gave me the opportunity to invest time and effort into the study of His Word.  I am reading books I would otherwise not read, learning principles I would never have been exposed to, and growing in my understanding of our great God, which I hope will all translate into making me a more effective leader and disciple of our Lord.  Stay tuned for more reports from class, but for now, I have to get back to work. 

Last Monday, I started my second round of classes at Reformed Presbyterian Theological Seminary.  This week I am in a Leadership Communication class with Dr. Calvin Troup, who teaches at Duquesne University, my alma mater.  Dr. Troup is the head of the rhetoric department at Duquesne and we have been studying Augustine and a host of other authors in class, which runs from 8 AM to 4:30 through Saturday.  Next week I am in Dr. Dennis Prutow's Old Testament in the New class for another week.

There are eight classes to take for this D Min program and after next week, I will have four completed.  Well, I won't quite be finished with these latest classes, for we have assignments that are due no later than January 31, 2009!  Then we have two more classes next February and two next June.

As you can imagine, these classes have consumed a lot of time for reading, writing and class lectures.  I try to stay focused and take it all one day at a time, although I did have to get up this morning at 4:30 AM to take a call from England.  I do what you can when I can, and can't expect any more from myself than that.

I have submitted a rough proposal for my doctoral project, which will focus on a Theology of Creativity and Productivity for the Local Church.  In other words, I want to inspire churches to challenge their members to reach out to all of society in purpose and then provide a curriculum and program that a church can use to do just that.  I still have to refine the concept, but the school has approved the concept. 

So what are you doing with your days lately?  Are you happy with what you are doing?  What more can you do?  Remember, you have all the time in the world -- twenty-four hours every day.  What sets you apart from everyone else is what you do with those hours.  I hope you use them well.